Tuesday, November 29, 2005


If I could write poems, I would write an Ode to 4-Wheel Drive. It got me safely to work when other cars were down in the river. It got me up the mountain with no sliding, and I was so at ease that I sang along with the radio the whole way up.


Sunday, November 27, 2005

My weekend.

Our internet randomly broke on Thursday, so I haven't posted over the Thanksgiving break. Here's a recap:

-my brother was able to come down, yay! It sucked though, because I had to juggle two families and that was difficult. I feel like I wasn't able to spend enough time with either one.

-my sister-in-law did indeed do my dishes within an hour of arriving, but I managed to tease her about it, so now it's all out in the open and it doesn't bother me as much any more.

-"Has she ever been outside Utah?" said my brother of my sister-in-law.

-we were watching Family Guy, and a joke came on about someone saying "runt" and someone else thinking they said the "c" word that rhymes. We all laughed pretty hard except my sister-in-law, who asked me to explain the joke. I said, "Well, it's a bad word that rhymes with runt and starts with c." With a blank look on her face, she quizically asked me, "Crunt?" at which point Husband said, "Just stop there."

-I made a damn good meal last night. I'm making another one tonight.

-My brother-in-law BEAT SUPER MARIO 3. I almost shit my pants out of excitement.

-IT SNOWED. This again caused near-shitting out of excitment.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

This is gonna be fun.

I was going to write a long post about my inner conflict with my upcoming hostess duties, but instead I'll just sum it up:

I'm nervous because I know my house isn't going to be clean by the time my in-laws get here, and I know (from past experience) that my sister in-law is going to start cleaning it as soon as she gets there because she is a neat freak.

Needless to say, this is one of my pet peeves.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Thoughts on the BYU vs Utah game

Well, BYU lost at the very last second, which seems to be something that they're quite seasoned at by now. I went into the game thinking I just wanted to see a good game, but came to the realization that I wanted to see Utah lose... the sole reason being that Ute fans are such whiney whores when they lose, much more so than most BYU fans.

I've also come to the decision that there are two types of Ute fans:

1. The Non-Mormons who are pissed off that BYU, a Mormon college, is the best school in the state.
2. The Mormon Utes, who are pissed off that they weren't good enough to get into BYU.

Also, on a side note: BYU starts all their games with a prayer. While there are many Mormon-haters out there, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRAY WITH US, FUCKERS. BUT YOU CAN REFRAIN FROM BLOWING YOUR AIRHORNS AND RUNNING YOUR MOUTH OFF OUT OF RESPECT FOR ANOTHER PERSON'S RELIGION.

Why do they do this? The prayer is "violating their rights". Why is it that almost all of the damned "freedom of speech" and "oh, my rights, my rights!!" whiners only care about THEIR freedom of speech, but for those of us who are religious, they don't give a shit if they trample all over our rights. Holy shit.

Pissed off

I *hate* it when my mother-in-law calls at 7:30am on a Saturday morning. I have no idea what the hell her logic is, maybe it's "They'll actually be home."

What the hell??? You're calling our CELL PHONES. Which means if we don't answer, we either can't or we don't want to talk to you. But what the fuck- don't fucking spoil my husband's ONE DAY A WEEK TO SLEEP IN.

Ugh. I'm getting sick of this and I think I'm going to say something along the lines of "Not before 9am, please."

Friday, November 18, 2005

More family YAY!

WOO! I just found out that my brother, who is in the Marines, is going to come visit us for Thanksgiving!!! Yay! (Side note: this will be the last time I see him before he's deployed to Iraq, which my family and I have no problems with, and I promise you'll get a post about that later. Anyhow...)

He wants to go boarding with us, which is cool since Brighton is open, but sucks at the same time because the resort to which Husband and I have season passes is not yet open, which means we'll have to shell out for our first boarding of the season. But what the hell, it's SNOWBOARDING!!!

(Note: this is not me, but it will be in, say, a week.)

Ok. Time to go gather ingredients for the multitude of pies, cheesecakes and other assorted ways to get fat that I'll be producing over the next week.

To my sister, who will never read this

My sister, who is in hair school (yes, our whole family is supportive of it and no, she isn't stupid, she is in fact brilliant), had her big floor test today. This test normally comes at a much later point in many hair student's careers (Sister has only been in school for a month), but because she's a natural at it, she took it today, with me as her willing volunteer.

Anyways, she had to mime doing all sorts of dye and highlighting procedures on me, which she did using conditioner instead of real dye. Five hours later, I have the softest and most shiny hair ever and she is now ready to do haircuts and dye jobs on real people. Not coincidentally, I will be her first customer on Monday.

But as a shout out to my sister- you are doing a great job and we're so happy that you're in a field you enjoy. How many people truly love their professions? Not many. You are very lucky, very talented and very loved.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I've come to a conclusion.

My co-worker J and I were having a conversation last night while at DreamJob. See, J just recently graduated from BYU in the same major I'm trying to graduate in, and we were actually in quite a few classes together.

Anyhow, our conversation stemmed along the lines of how, although our jobs are usually very important, at that current moment we were both stuck stuffing envelopes.

We both came to the same conclusion, which is illustrated rather well to the right.

In his stunning Web debut...

Well, since I really don't have much to do today, I finally decided to start including pictures with the site. I thought I'd start out by introducing Husband.

(He and his brothers like to send these pictures back and forth to see who can get the best up-the-nose shot. )

Is it obvious I have nothing to do?

Thoughts for the day:

- BYU vs U of U on Saturday! We've got tickets and I can't wait! Not because I'm a giant BYU fan per se, but because rivalry games are always bloody and I love bloody sports. (Side note: YAY for lacrosse, only three more months 'til the season starts!)

- I have the day off today and I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.

- My brother in-law and his wife, B, are coming on Sunday and they're going to stay for a week. I hope to high heaven that B doesn't start on the "I'm going against God's plan for not popping out children in rapid succession, much like a macabre machine gun" thing again. Anyways, a week is a long time and I'm nervous.

- I'm also nervous about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, which will be spent almost entirely with in-laws. Hopefully my (other) sister-in-law, K, doesn't go psycho-mormon on me or just plain psycho, which tends to happen from time to time. If she does, there might be a bitchslap involved this time, dammit!

- Happy Random Bloody Nose Day


Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I am sometimes a Good Person

To offset the negativity of the last post:

The other day, I was in the Testing Center (yes, BYU has a testing center and yes, it is evil). There was a guy in front of me who had to pay a late fee but found out the hard way after waiting in a very long line that the Testing Center doesn't take credit cards. I had cash on me, so I paid for his test.

See, sometimes I'm good!

I am a Bad Person

So I haven't posted for the last few days because there's been this ongoing drama/confusion and I haven't really wanted to take the time to explain it... it's finally boiled down to something I feel I can explain though, so here goes.

You all know I will, from time to time, still talk to the Ex. My motive behind this is purely selfish- he dumped me back before I knew Husband and caused me so much pain it took me years to recover (he would regularly say things so vicious that when he left I would be in a pile on the floor, sobbing). Yet as soon as I was dating the man we now know as Husband, Ex started wanting me back. I guess it boils down to "You want what you can't have" or "The girl you dumped is much better than the FatAss you wound up with" or some similar bullshit.

Anyways, the reason I still talk to him is this- I was so hurt and so rejected by him that I still find it completely vindicating that he wants me and can't have me, and also that his life as it is right now sucks. I LOVE knowing that he is unhappy, while I, on the other hand, am completely happy and in the relationship of my dreams.

Yes, I know this makes me shallow and selfish. Let's go on, shall we?

So the other day he called me to talk out of the blue, and as we were talking the fact that I make twice as much money as he does came up. It's always nice to make more money than your Awful Ex, especially when you come with no children and a hardworking Husband and he comes with three and a FatAss.

What does this lead to? EX JUST APPLIED TO WORK AT DREAMJOB.

Well fuck me in the ass.

This is where I really become a bad person. While gritting my teeth and telling him that it's great that he's applying, I turn around at the same time and basically ensure he won't get any of the positions he's applied for. He applied for three of them, two of which are in my department (and my boss has already promised me there will be no hiring, and at worst, only a token interview)... the other position, which works directly with me, I thought had already been filled... but as it turns out there were two open positions, and only one of them had filled.

So Ex interviewed for the job today, and I made it a point to run into his interviewer and have the following conversation:

Me: So I heard you interviewed someone I know today.
D: Yeah, would you recommend him?
Me: Not really. I know you need a [position] and all, but he's my ex-boyfriend. If you had to hire him I guess it would be ok, but if you have someone else, hire them instead.

Plus, the [position] supervisor (who is not D) and I are really tight, and she is going to tell D that Ex is looking to leave the state when he gets out of school (which he is) and that Ex can't stop hitting on me (which is also true) and that it would just be a bad idea to hire him. All of this guarantees that Ex won't get the job.

(Another example of his weirdness : he randomly told me this last Friday that he had a dream that he married me isntead of FatAss and life was so much happier because I'm not Fat and a Burden and Lazy and I am a good Lover.)

But regardless, I don't want to hear that "I-still-want-you" bullshit at work (although I do think it's funny how pathetic he is), and you don't apply at a job so you can work with your Ex. You just don't do that.

I still feel like a bad person, though.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


I hate being sick and also starving but too sick to go get food. Fevers blow.

Monday, November 14, 2005


I love windstorms! Especially when they come with hail and I'm curled up inside my warm house!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Morning Commute

Driving a stick-shift through a windy canyon in pitch black at 6:00am with practically no sleep while eating a Sausage McMuffin, hash brown thingie, and orange juice (with no cup holder)?

No problem!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


Does anyone else think it's funny that Ice-T was made famous by singing about being a cop killer, and now he's playing a cop on Law and Order?

2 out of how many ain't bad

Had a conversation with one of the Baldwin brothers last night. He was very schmoozy, but it was ok since he was admiring my engagement ring.

Funny also how when I got home, my sister (who works at Nordstrom) told me how she had seen a different Baldwin brother earlier that evening. Hm.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

To Eika

YAY!!! For someone from Singapore!!

I actually lived in Singapore for two years when I was younger (go Singapore American School), and as a result of that experience I:

A) Love Singapore
B) Support Singapore's penal system
C) Support uniforms for K-12 students
D) Love Singapore!!!


And a big DAMN YOU to the guy who owns the house next door for deciding to put a new roof on and being TOO DAMN CHEAP TO BUY A NAILGUN!!!!

Monday, November 07, 2005

How I earned the respect of my brother-in-law

My brother-in-law, the last single child in my husband's family, recently got married (to the girl who wants to have 13 kids and thinks I'm not doing my duty because I haven't gotten knocked up yet). Anyways, he was always kinda awkward and didn't really know very much about sex. Neither did his bride (crazy Mormons, all getting married as virgins).

Anyhow, he turned to my Husband with some questions and seeking advice. It turns out Brother-In-Law here had the deep desire to smack his wife in the face with his dick, or teabag her or whatever, so he asked Husband if he'd ever done that to me. The following story (true!) resulted:

I was talking to my mom on the phone one day while sitting on the steeping stool we have in the kitchen (I'm that short), when all of a sudden Husband jumps out from around the corner, pants down, and repeatedly smacks me on the face with his dick. He steps back with a grin on his face, and I say without skipping a beat, "Mom, [Husband] says hi."

My brother-in-law thinks I'm pretty cool now.

School Rant

How lame is this? I come off a fabulous (dare I say... orgasmic!) weekend, and here I am on Monday, all down and mopey.


I hate school. I love learning, but I love learning at my own pace (meaning when I'm not feeling lazy or when I don't have better things to do). I also only love learning when I'm actually LEARNING something, not taking these bullshit final classes in my college career.

I have one semester left, and I wish I could be done NOW without having to do that last semester. Blah.

"Why don't you go to grad school?" my mom inquires. "You're so smart, it would be a shame if you don't go."

Because I would rather be dead than go to grad school, comes the thought. But I spout something off about how I'd rather be blah blah blah blah instead.

The truth is, I'd rather be doing ANYTHING except school. I know a girl doing grad school here at BYU (she's actually a former boss and a total bitch, but that's a different story)... she still lives with her parents, she's 27, and is utterly terrified of the real world. She's done fairly well in school her whole life, and is hiding under the shelter of "My efforts are only valid if I can actually show that I earned an A." She's scared to start her own life, to face the uncertainty of making a real life for herself.

Most people in grad school are there for a valid reason, like furthering a career or some such other thing. Some are there to escape real life.

Fuck that. I'm ready to start my real life. I'll never stop seeking out knowledge. I read Milton of my own volition. I learn new skills and try new things all the time. But FUCK this school thing, I'm ready to live my own life. Hot damn.

On a funnier note, the Smith Fieldhouse had a water main break over the weekend and flooded with 5 feet of water. Physical Facilities had a water alarm sound at 6:30am (when the break happened), but didn't turn the water off until a leisurely hour and a half later. Go BYU!

Sunday, November 06, 2005


Ah, weekend. We just got back from spending the weekend at a resort, complete with all the five-star food we could eat, super posh digs, and sex, sex, and more sex.

Yay, sex! I highly recommend next-to-the-fire sex.

Oh, and not to mention- Husband and I got to sit and TALK for the whole weekend. It's funny how we don't really get to talk for days anymore since our schedules blow. But we can still find ourselves with eight hours and not much to do and just talk the whole way through it. I love that.

After we got home, we went offroading behind the mountains. I got to drive through snow and mud and test out my 4-wheel drive.

Needless to say, this has recharged me for months to come.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Good Morning!

I love how even if I'm still asleep when Husband leaves for the day (and I usually am), he'll still come in and kiss me goodbye and tell me how much he loves me before he goes.

It makes my whole day good.

I love you, Husband.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

How lame am I? Pretty damn lame.

Our washer and dryer are being delivered THIS FRIDAY, and I'm so happy about it I've danced for joy (my dancing, btw, is illegal in most countries because it's so awful).

The other night I had a nightmare that there was some snafu at Whirlpool and they cancelled our order, so there was no washer/dryer for us. I actually cried in my sleep and woke up all in a panic.

My nightmares these days... a far cry from the ones in elementary school where I was being eaten by a dinosaur. I can't quite decide which one is worse.

Step 1 of 12 aka Sorry, Husband

I am a blanket-a-holic.

I have an insatiable need to completely curl up so that there is no blanket left for anyone but me. Previously, this hasn't been a problem as I was single and sharing a bed with nobody but ME. (Even then I bought a full-sized comforter for my twin-sized bed, which is only the beginning of my sad addiction.)

When Husband and I got married...... We had to have separate blankets. Otherwise I'd go into curl-up mode and Husband would wake up with no blanket at all, while I was completely lost in a huge mound of fluff.

I worked really hard on fixing my problem, and we eventually started sharing a blanket. We just barely got a king-sized bed, and I thought to myself: !! My problem may be over for good.

Until I woke up this morning encased in the ENTIRE GIANT COMFORTER, all in one big lump.

"Oh no," I thought, "it's happening again!"


Today I had dinner with Grandma and Grandpa. People are surprised when I tell them things like that. "You still have two grandparents alive?" Uh, well, I have all four still alive, actually. It's funny, this being Mormon thing, we tend to live like, 10 years longer than everyone else. Seriously.

Anyways, I love my grandparents. They're pretty cool, except when Grandpa decides he's going to be an old fart by:

1) Driving in ways that scare the piss out of me, figuratively and almost literally, several times
2) Being scared of computers
3) Bitching about how everything these days is "so damn expensive!!!" He personifies the "I walked to school barefoot uphill both ways in five feet of snow" stereotype.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Traffic Bitches

Ah, driving around Provo at night. There's really nothing quite like it. First I had some jackass of a guy in business attire DRIVING A MINIVAN cut me off hard to get to the turning lane and then get all pissed off when I flipped him off.

Business attire + Minivan = Mormon

What the hell did he expect? The church is definitely true but many of the people are definitely not. The driving here (as well as business ethic and almost everything else) is terrible, and in large part I blame it on Mormons. Not the culture, the people. The other part of the shitty driving I blame on the illegal aliens, who seem to think they can drive like they're in Rio when really they're in Orem.

Besides, I don't quite know what people are thinking when they cut in front of me. I'm driving a big fatty Bronco, and if they want to see who's gonna win in a crashing contest, I'm all in.

Anyways. Later on I had a woman WITH A STROLLER dart in front of me on an unlit, very dark road. WHAT THE FUCK, WOMAN????? I'm sorry, but if I were entrusted with an entire other PERSON, I would probably think twice before risking that other person's life. Ugh.

HAHA, as an aside to the above mini-rant concerning Mormons, today I told my dad the neighbor-interrupting-our-sex story (except in my version for him we were napping, I didn't really want to find out the reaction to "He was boning me REAL good, daddy!"), and his first response: "She must be Mormon. The retard."