Wednesday, September 28, 2005

zzz

I've been having this problem lately where I always think that it's the day *after* today instead of being today. DAMMIT, SELF, IT IS WEDNESDAY!!! NOT THURSDAY!!!!!!!

Hell.

Late Night Musings

"If I were the man that you wanted, I would not be the man that I am"

I'm sitting here at work, listening to the designated work music playing for background ambiance, and out comes that line.


So here's the question: how many relationships can be described by that concept? It seems like the vast majority of the ones I've lived/witnessed do. Unconditional love seems to be something of an enigma, some kind of illusive thing that so few ever manage to capture.

My relationships in the past, especially my relationship with EvilEx, was definitely in that category. I spent the whole time thinking that if I could be good enough, he would change into the man that I wanted. What a fallacy.

What Husband taught me is this: don't go into/continue a relationship if you find yourself thinking "If only they'd change this or this". When you start dating someone, take a long, hard look at their flaws and ask yourself, "Can I live with these flaws, assuming this person will never change them?" If the answer is no, leave while you can before it starts to get too painful.

I am not the perfect woman, and my husband is not the perfect man. But we've taken stock of our flaws and have accepted them (it's funny that once you accept a flaw it seems that it starts to work itself out of your personality.... but that's for another late night musing), and we know what to expect. Since we don't have any unreasonable expectations of each other, we are deliriously happy- because our life together never disappoints us. Plus we never have to put up a charade. I am lucky beyond my ability to comprehend.

To me, that is what love is. Finding the person who will love you, warts and all.

Pet Peeve

To all the blogs I read out there- thank you SO MUCH for being grammatically correct and actually *spelling* out words, as opposed to the How R U bullshit.

To those who pull that crap, where do you think you are, ToysRUs? Holy SHIT people. At least pretend to know something about the language you claim to speak! Unless, of course, you want everyone who reads the stream of shit coming off your fingers to think that you're a freaking idiot. In that case, mission accomplished.

Oh Happy Day!

Today I ate sushi for lunch. My whole world is good when I get to eat sushi.

More importantly, my husband showed up at my work last night with a rose!! Just because!!! And when I went home, I found a whole bouquet of roses in my car!!!


I married the best person ever. I love you so much.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

:-)

Last night was great at work. It's so nice when Mr. Shit calls out sick. I love it.

On the other hand, I think I'm getting strep throat or something equally yucky.

On the *other* hand, we just put a really nice cd player in my new car!


Overall, life is pretty dang good.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Quandry

Hm.

So what to do?

Dreamjob is great. Except for one very dishonest guy. Everyone hates him, and no one wants to work with him. This week I found out why. His lies led to me getting written up. What this means, I'm not quite sure. My boss didn't even tell me that it was a write-up, I had to find that out from office gossip. It's hard to fight something like that without sounding like the whiny employee.

So what to do? This is quite the quandry. Is this going to damage my pay? My chances for promotion?

Should I start looking for another job? This job is great. My boss, in general, is great. But I'm finding out she can't handle the Bullshit Employee very well. And by that, I mean not at ALL. But on the other hand, I get a lot of benefits. BUT on the other hand, do I really want to be in a job where I'm at the whim of some disgusting man who lies out his teeth and will probably never get fired solely because he's a minority?

So what do I do? I'm not quite sure.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Angry Post

To my white trash aunt J and cousin B-

Wow, you don't think I like you? YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT- I DON'T LIKE YOU. Does that hurt your poor baby feelings? Enough that you've actually taken time out of manipulating and bilking our poor grandparents for all they're worth to complain about the fact that I'm not nice enough to you when I see you????

Well tough shit for you. I am cordial and polite every time I see you, as opposed to acting like I really want to- to berate you for your selfish trashy lives and then pointing at you and laughing at your appearances.

Aunt J, 45 year old women should not be wearing eyebrow piercings. Especially if you hope to have a respectable job in a hospital. Yes, I know this is the last year you plan on being on welfare, even though you have a college degree. But the piercing - I know you want to feel young again, but that's really not the way to go. Instead, try to lose some weight. 45 year old women shouldn't weigh upwards of 350 lbs. And stop the bullshit about how it's all because you had caesarean sections. That just means you'll probably never have much of a six-pack. But the fat? Come ON J, I've seen you eat. Oh, and by the way, your morbidly obese 10 year old? Yeah, she's your fault too, from feeding her the same amount of food you feed yourself. And if all of those late night calls that I answered to help you with "computer problems" that really turn out to be idiocy problems don't count as being kind to you, well, sorry. We're just plain out of kindness here.

Cousin B. Ah, Cousin B. I'm not treating you well enough? I don't treat you like a peer, like someone I respect? GET THE FUCK WITH THE PROGRAM. You have ALWAYS hated me. For being born to the father with money. For not breaking the rules in my teenager years, which let me escape my teens without getting pregnant or becoming a slave to drugs. For graduating from high school. For being about to graduate from college. For being in a happy marriage, one where I don't feel compelled to cheat on my white husband with another man, leaving my husband a very interesting surprise in the delivery room where I give birth to a very brown baby. For not showing up at my great-uncle's funeral dressed like a hooker with said brown baby in tow. For not having 5 children by the time I was 24. For not having the need to extort my grandparents. For STILL HAVING ALL OF MY TEETH.

GUESS WHAT, B. YOU DID THIS TO YOUR VERY OWN FUCKING SELF.

YOU. Not society, not your mom, not anything else. YOU decided to start doing meth when you were 12. YOU decided to not give up your children for adoption where they would have actually had a chance of having half-decent parents. YOU decided not to graduate from high school OR get your GED.

Don't get pissed off at me when you see me with things you don't have. Don't complain about how unfair it is, or how I should be nicer to you because your life is hard.

FIX YOUR OWN DAMN LIFE. It's not my fault you wear a full set of dentures at 25.


Oh, and one more fuck off, this one to my grandparents. Don't bitch about the problems B and J cause you and then refuse to cut off contact with them. I'm sorry, but you should've drawn the line WAY before they hit the $50,000 mark of getting money from you a decade ago.

And grandma and grandpa- don't you DARE ask me why I can't lose weight as fast as B... you know, it would be easy for me to do if I did as much meth and crack as she did. But Webster's already has a picture of B next to the definition of "crack whore". They don't need another addition from our family.

blah

I HATE ALAN GREENSPAN.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Why I love my Dad

I called my dad the other day. Here's how it started:

Me: Dad, guess what!??

Dad: You saved some money by switching to Geico???

conundrum

So here I sit, needing to do homework or clean or something.

Blah.



Maybe caffeine will help?

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Car - Ramble - Love

Ah, new car.

I love our new car. It's going to let us go places we couldn't before. It's going to let me drive in snow in complete safety. It's going to get a snowboard rack on top of it.

It's going to get me all sorts of funny looks whne I drive it around. The whole damned surplus of alpha-males here in Provo will look at me funny. Me, as a woman, driving a 4-wheel drive vehicle. One with a lift and a roof rack. One that means I go places and do things that "most girls" don't.

I laugh when I see those looks. When did men start expecting that women are nothing more than Stepfords?

Yes, I think I look sexy in a short skirt, and I like looking sexy on occasion. I'm also comfortable up to my waist in mucky standing water/shit, trying to muscle my way through a canyon while leaving my own blood on the walls. I'll do my hair and makeup all fancy when I'm in the mood. I'll be grubby and work on my car when I'm in the mood. I don't give a shit what other people think. "Oh, you should dress up more for your husband."

Well, if I dressed up more for my husband, if I became the stereotypical high-maintencance girl, I wouldn't be the person he wants to be with.

I climb, I sing, I snowboard, I play several instruments badly, I love to read, I work with power tools when I get the chance, I love to bake and cook. I cry during chick flicks, I'm strong when faced with the impending deaths of my parents. I can pick my sister-in-law up out of a canyon using one hand, I decorate cakes. I am equal with my husband, I want to have children someday and stay home and raise them. I love it when Husband is tender with me, I love it when we have rough, dirty sex. I believe in a God who loves me and everyone else the same. I am a slob. I am smart enough to be anything I want to be, but I will choose the field I work in based on what I enjoy doing, not on what I "should be doing with a mind like that".

I am not afraid to make mistakes or learn new things. I am not afraid to be wrong.

I am me. And there is more to me than anyone knows.


Except my husband. I'd like to end this ramble by thanking him. You saw exactly who I am, and you loved me for it, more than I could ever have imagined. You love me and my weaknesses. You love me and my needs. From you, I have never felt shame- even in my darkest, deepest moments of despair. I can bear my soul to you with no degree of fear.

Because you see who I am. And you love me. The real me. And that has allowed me to be the real me.

I love you.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Randomness

YAY for buying something 4-wheel drive that can go anywhere! YAY for vehicles with character, and YAY for getting rid of my piece of shit car!!

Also yay for going to SLC to get sex toys with friends! It's more fun with friends!!

Also, why is it that when you're the only person in the bathroom, why does the next person in come sit RIGHT NEXT TO YOU?? Are they lonely? Scared of the big empty bathroom? Hell. Leave me to shit in peace.


But YAY car!! And toys!!!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

when you think about it, it's kinda depressing!

You know it's bad when you wake up and the first thing you think is, "I can't wait until tonight when I get to go to sleep again."

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Bitch of the Day

In reading and watching more about this whole Katrina mess, I keep seeing again and again stories about condemnation of the federal response, which I agree with.

But what about stories of condemnation of the local response first? Ray Nagin has made some pretty audacious statements basically saying that it's everyone's fault but his. But what about Amtrack's offer to get people out of the city by train that was refused by him? What about the disaster scenarios that he knew about that predicted more than 100,000 people in his city would have no way to get themselves out? Almost all of New Orleans' public transportation buses flooded because they sat idle in the city. Why the hell didn't he use them to bus people out BEFORE the strom hit? What about his statements to the tourists in the city, telling them they were shit out of luck? ....? As the mayor of the city, every person in that city is his steward. What about the several elderly homes where our older citizens perished because they had no way to leave? Oops, did Ray forget about them? Or did he just not care? Prior to the hurricane making landfall, the governor of Louisiana made statements saying that she didn't think Nagin knew how serious the situation was. Looks like she was right.

Seriously. What the HELL. And he's saying shit about federal officials not caring about poor people? About minorities? Well, Ray, when one looks into it, it seems that no one cared less about the poor minorities in New Orleans than you did.

While there are many other Bitches involved in the Katrina tragedy... in my mind, no one is more of a Bitch than the mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin. Ray, you and your other inept local collegues are definitely the Bitch of the Day.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

yawn

FINALLY.

My coworker, who is NOT supposed to be sitting next to me, has finally left. I can only take so much of him trying to pick out fabric (incredibly chintzy fabric, at that). I can only say, "Oh, that's nice" with the overtones of YOU ARE BORING THE SHIT OUT OF ME, GO DO YOUR JOB.

Hell.

But wait. He's coming back. Yay.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Fit for what?

Heh. BYU was labelled by Men's Fitness magazine as the "Most Fit University".

Funny, they didn't mention the studies of BYU that revealed 1 out of 3 women who attend BYU have an eating disorder.


I hate this desire of BYU to have everything look perfect and to hide their problems. BYU is a hell hole of pressure to look better than the other girls in your apartment/class/congregation, because "you're not a good Mormon if you don't date", and about 95% of the single men at BYU are incredibly shallow and will only date about 5% of the women, the ones that "look better" than all the other single women.

I have actually seen this happen, where the men bitch about the women saying no to their requests for a date, and yet they won't ask out the ones that would say yes. Shoot for the stars, boys. That'll work. Or you could do the math. If 100 boys ask out the same 3 girls, well, shucks. Their schedules are bound to be full, wouldn't you think?

And so thre pressure grows. Not just to be healthy, but to be "thin". Not JUST to be thin, but to be THINNER than [fill in the blank]. It's the same bullshit mindset that Mormons have- the "we must look like we have more than [insert family]!!"

I should specify that this is not a tenet of the Mormon religion. Mormon culture and Mormon religion are two very different things. I love the religion, but I hate the culture so badly that even thinking about it disgusts me. When did we decide to sweep the whole "love one another" thing under the rug? What about the being humble part? What about the charity and kindness part, and the "love thy neighbor as thyself" part?

The religion is fantastic. The leaders are fantastic. The people, in large part, suck.

Is this why South Park blames Canada?

OH MY HELL. I usually try to stay away from political posts in general, but I can't believe this. Apparently, Ontario is mulling allowing their Islamic residents to use Islamic Law, Sharia, amongst themselves.

SHARIA. The same law under which women have NO rights. The same law that decrees if a man has an affair with a married woman, the punishment is that his sister be gang raped. The same law where the married woman who had the affair gets stoned TO DEATH, while her companion "in crime" gets whipped a few times.

Holy shit, people. I just hope that the people up there with common sense stop this retardation from happening.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

*zzzzzzzzz*

Note to self: it is unwise to schedule your most boring class to be the first class of your day, and to be at 8am.

I fell asleep in that class today (the same class where the professor glared at me as I text messaged Husband), and yes, the professor noticed. I really need to start sitting somewhere not in his direct line of sight.

Husband told me that he also fell asleep in class today, but was awoken by his own loud breathing. This made me laugh, because while Husband doesn't snore (something that I'm profoundly grateful for), in the right sleeping position, he tends to breathe really loudly. So he must have been generating some hurricane-force winds to wake himself up cos he was breathing too loud.

My eating today was marginal. I still need to go buy real food. I'm thinking about going to Good Earth for some healthy food, but I don't have any good healthy food recipes. All my recipes are "All-American" and will make you fatter than a hippo if you eat them daily. But damn, some of them are pretty good.

Anyways, to get back on subject- healthy food recipes. Can anyone help me with this? (Especially you, Ab?)


We now are fully prepared for the snowboarding season, including two pairs of goggles each- one for snowy days and one for blindingly sunshiny days. I don't know why, but I'm really excited about that.

Oh wait, I know why. Cause I'm a loser, that's why!! (But I still thoroughly enjoy my new goggles. heheh.)

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Nutrition 101

Dinner tonight consisted of Squeaky Cheese and a Slurpee.

*shakes head*


There are no words for my retardation.

Mormons need a prescription for sex ed.

Funny story I just remembered:

When I was 20 (TWENTY!!), my roommate Anne (also TWENTY) was asking me about sex, because it was somehow obvious that I somehow knew more about sex than anyone else in the apartment, despite the fact that I was still a virgin (not for long though, heh) in an apartment full of virgins. (I think it was because I actually had a subscription to Cosmopolitan, which, by the way, I was told I was evil for reading. Thanks, Bishop.)

"What is masturbation?" she shyly asks, while I sit and gape at her in disbelief.

The best response I can come up with? "Uh, I'm pretty sure you've done it already."


And guess what? She had. And so had every other pure little virgin in the apartment. Hell, when I was in high school I thought I was the *only* person who did that, and I was so ashamed. You can imagine my relief years later when I learned the truth.

Everyone does it. If they tell you they don't, they're lying. Just look at them, chuckle, and say "Riiiiiight." Then watch them squirm, and chuckle some more.

Balls

Holy hell. Dream Job is still Dream Job, but today sucked monkey balls so hard that I had to console myself with pastries.


Among the wonderful items on today's suck monkey balls agenda: One of my co-workers tripped, fell, and landed head first and unconscious while I was the only one in the room.

But that's ok. The day is still good, having been redeemed by pastries. Now I'm going to relax and just zone out.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Pengalins!!

March of the Penguins.

Some could say that I'm recommending this movie because of my connection with pengalins. Well... that's part of it. But the other part of it is that it's a really interesting movie that I liked quite a bit.

Just rent instead of seeing it in the theatre, or you might have an experience like ours. Full of screaming small toddlers that belong to inept parents who apparently don't understand spoken language well enough to know the meaning of the word "babysitter". I feel particularly bad for the poor bald gentleman in the row ahead of us who kept having his head palmed by the sweaty little hands of a very poorly behaved three year old, made even worse by the child's very poorly behaved mother.

whoosh

On Saturday, Husband and I made good use of Gart's "SUPER BLOWOUT SALE!!!!" and went and filled all our snowboarding needs for the upcoming season. We figured that sales are good, and on top of that, we couldn't resist a giant red sign that said "BLOW" on it. So we went.

We came home with all our nifty new goods, cranked up the A/C, and dressed in our snowclothes. Goggles and all. Then we sat on the couch and watched TV, still dressed in our boarding gear.

You know, in case it randomly snowed three feet in half an hour and we had to go boarding. In September.

RUN! It's got tentacles!!!

A man came up to as me a question at work the other night. His nose hair (that's plural, as in "a bushel of nose hair") was sticking so far out his nose that I thought it was going to try to reach out and grab me.

My first thought was to be scared. My second thought was, "Holy shit man, don't you have a mirror??"

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I want to sleep in but I can't, damn it.

It's a damn good thing we didn't go camping down at Powell. Last night I got a visit from one of my favorite friends *ever*, the fever. I was pretty pissed off and felt like shit. I can only imagine that if I were in the heat that is southern utah, I would have felt even shittier.

Anyhow, yeah. I discovered a very sad thing yesterday- one of the little bastards we teach at church is this poor three year old who *obviously* has mental progress issues. He can't talk, doesn't show affection (not even to his parents), doesn't even flinch if anyone raises their voice to him. He is basically unteachable, and there is something very obviously wrong with him. And last night I found out that they don't think anything is wrong with him, that he'll just "grow out" of his problems.

Shit, people. I realize that we live in Utah Valley, and the very nature of this is to live in all sorts of personal/professional/educational/political bubbles. But HELL. The welfare of your child is vastly more important than you keeping your "we don't have a mentally handicapped child... no, not us" bubble intact.


On another note, Utah has now joined the ranks of people paying over $3 a gallon for gas. This makes me laugh, as it's really not that big of an expense. Oh wait. I'm sorry, Mr. Hummer. It *is* a big expense for you, you with your giant hummer and very tiny penis, with your 1,000 gallon gas tank that you have to refill every other day. It's a big expense for you, but not really for anyone else.

Honestly. Insurance fraud has driven the cost of car insurance WAY up, and I'm pretty sure that everyone who whines about the cost of gas actually pays way more for car insurance. Yet strangely enough, there is no whining about insurance fraud. Hmmm.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Park City Poseurs

Husband and I seem to never be able to make up our minds. After he got home from class last night, we decided we were too tired to go to Powell that night and that we were going to save it for a long, uninterrupted weekend. So no Lake Powell this weekend. Instead we spent the day in Park City.

May I just say.... what a shit hole. I really dislike all the alpine chalet-style houses/stores/gas stations that just scream "We are AFFLUENT!!! Come and buy our ridiculously priced goods and pretend that you, too, are affluent!!" I thought it was also fitting that their little city symbol was the letters "PC" up on the mountainside. Touché.

Needless to say, when Husband and I bought our season lift passes a month ago, they were not at a resort in Park City. Blech.



And if you're wondering why I haven't said anything about Katrina.... it's because I just don't know what to say. News makes up the bulk of what I watch on TV, and I'm completely at a loss. I'm disgusted with the local/national/international response. It just isn't good enough. The entire National Guard should be mobilized already. They should have been there before the hurricane hit, evacuating the ones that couldn't get out themselves. I'm disgusted with the looters. Not the ones that take diapers and formula, but the ones that take jeans, jewelry and beer. Disgusted with the people that would shoot at helicopters and hijack the busses that are trying to save their asses. I hate that there is still a caveman living inside of people. And I hate that those people are being left there in despair to the point where that caveman comes out.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Cows on Playgrounds

Things I did today:

-Avoided getting t-boned by some zoobie who thought that *my* green light meant *his* right of way, accomplished by damn smooth swerving. What a dumbass.

-Ate dinner with my rich uncle while talking business. Hopefully this means that he'll invest in *our* business at some point in the future.

-Went several places while *not* getting my errands done.

-Got in a yelling fight with a fat woman whose children were picking on another child. I yelled "Hey!" to break them up, and the fat cow waddles over, udders wiggling and all, and screams "Don't you yell at my children!!" I managed to not curse at her, but I did let her know that she and her kids are fat, worthless whores, the whole lot of them.

-Realized that the plan Husband and I have concocted to be more frugal will actually save us $500 a month.

-Learned that on this paycheck, my commisions and bonuses will actually be bigger by themselves than my entire paycheck by itself.


I also managed to tear myself away from ER before it was done this morning so I could go do those errands I never got done. That was a veritable miracle. The tearing away from ER part, not the not getting errands done part. That part is a daily occurence.



Now it's time to pack for camping. Yes, after the disaster that was last weekend, we're going camping again. But this time there will be no hospitalization. Instead, this time there will be Lake Powell.