Thursday, August 04, 2005

Who am I?

So the question is... am I a good witch or a bad witch?

Talked to Ex online again today, where he told me about how his wife (the previously mentioned EasyAss) is no longer Easy, as he's gotten no Ass in the last two weeks. He also told me that she's putting on even *more* weight, which may necessitate changing her name from EasyAss to EasyAsses. She also seems to care nothing about her many Asses, because she refuses to do anything about them. From his description and from what I've seen and know of her, EasyAsses is heading toward a big unhappy coronary episode by the time she's 30. She is currently 28. Ex also keeps dropping hints that he misses me and our old relationship.

This is where my dilemma comes in:

I find this all perversely pleasing. I no longer want him and have not for quite some time, but I want to know that he wishes he could be back with me. I want to know that I am the best he has ever had. In fact, the major reason I talk to him at all is because I enjoy seeing him suffer in the hole he's dug for himself.

Am I a sadist? Or did he just abuse me so badly during the time I was with him that this is just my psychological equivalent of revenge- to know I am in a blissfully happy place while his situation is the shits?

Some will say that I can't be in such a happy place if I am feeding off the sorrow of others. I don't think that's the case, though. If Ex dropped off the face of the earth, I don't think I would wonder where he was or how he was doing. In the long stretches between the few times we talk, I don't think of him at all in my daily life.

I don't feed off his pain.... I don't need it to feel happy. When he pops online and tells me about his crappy life, it's a bonus. I snicker for a few minutes and then return to my daily activities.

So my question to myself is: why? Am I a bad person?

I can't quite decide. Here I smirk at the suffering of someone whom I regard as being a bad person.... but with almost everything else in my life, I try to improve myself. I try to be more patient, understanding and kind. The other day a lady came into my work with car trouble, and I gave her several hundred dollars worth of free stuff. I did that because I knew I could either make her situation worse or make it better, and I wanted to make it better. I wanted to help.

I spent my birthday helping my best friend with her two children. She felt bad for me "wasting my birthday" on her, and I told her that I couldn't think of anything I would rather do on my birthday than help someone. And I meant it.

So am I a good witch or a bad witch? The only answer I can come up with is that I'm a bit of both.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Something I've been coming to terms with lately is really owning both the good and bad aspects of my personality. Knowing that I'm mostly a good person who has flaws, and sometimes it's okay to have those flaws.

So it gives you a chuckle that Ex is in such a horrible what? Ego boosts are good, at least so says my atheist-fuck-all-yall self. Lately I've really been in a mindset of "If it feels good and doesn't hurt anyone, do it!"

Course, you knew that.


You are loved, hon!


7:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have always made me feel good about myself. I hope you know that.


9:25 PM  

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