Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Thank Heaven for Small Favors

Today I talked to "the Ex" (if MSN Messenger counts as talking?). Almost everyone has one of these, it's that monumental Ex that shook your whole life to pieces and you're lucky to have put it back together.

Now, to make sure no one is confused, this monumental shaking took place four years ago and I'm very happily married to a man I've been with for the last three years. I have no feelings for the Ex at all except disgust, pity, and sometimes humor in relation to the situation he now finds himself in.

See, this man was a terrible, terrible man. I had convinced myself that I was in love with him (even though I had no idea what real love was) and that he loved me and we would have this perfect life together. Trouble was, none of that was true. I didn't love him and he certainly didn't love me, as he proved time and time again with the sadistic emotional torture he was so adept at giving. I wasted years of my life on that man.

Why did I stay? I was suffering from Battered Wife Syndrome but had no idea of that at the time. Only through counseling and a TON of self-introspection was I able to figure that out, which really helped me get closure.

Anyhow, at about the time I was mopping up my life (with the help of my husband, who is the most gentle, forgiving, patient, studly man ever), Ex was getting into a mess with another girl. He'd decided there was no more reason to control his libido, so he was screwing this poor fat woman because she was the easiest ass he could come up with. (Note: He actually told me that at the time.)

Ms. EasyAss was a twice-divorced very large mother of two and Ex was a lacrosse player in fairly decent shape. While he was boning ("dating") Ms. EasyAss he would try to convince me to somehow reconsider our relationship, even though I was engaged at that point. He told me that Ms. EasyAss was only that, Easy Ass, and he didn't like her anyways and he missed me and wished he could have another go in the sack with me.

The funny part about that was that he made the above sack statement to me IN THE PRESENCE OF MY SOON-TO-BE-HUSBAND. Holy Shit, Ex, how much more desperate could you be?? (For those who wonder, my husband is not a typical Alpha Male, and so he thought that Ex's statement was hilarious and pathetic, instead of having the lame Alpha Male response of I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass!!!)

Well, to make this long-ass story as short as I can, Ex wound up getting Ms. EasyAss pregnant. He decided that, to avoid embarrassment for himself (his family is extremely religious), he'd marry her and pretend that they just had a premature birth (which, by the way, doesn't work if you get married in July and give birth in January to a 10 pound baby... apparently Ex and EasyAss can't add). So now Ex finds himself the father of three at the ripe ol' age of 26. He works three jobs and is the housekeeper to boot. EasyAss, being very large, doesn't like to cook or clean.

Ex whines constantly about how he never has alone time anymore and he can never do what he wants to do and how it really sucks having a really fat wife who refuses to do anything about it.

Poor Ex.

Anyways, when we talked today, he showed me a picture of their baby girl. She looks exactly like him, and holy hell, she is ugly.

So in summary, I'm really glad I didn't wind up with the abusive bastard, because it would really suck to be an abused wife *and* have a really ugly baby.


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